Dead legged by a dead head...

The other day I took Stella to the woods.  She loved it.  Then she disappeared.  I knew she hadn't gone far, because her ball was sat in the middle of the path.  And then I spotted it.

The eye.  The eye was peeking from behind the tree.
"I can seeee yoouuuu...."
The eye disappeared.
"Where's Stella?"
The eye reappeared.

When I said to Stella we could go out to play, I didn't realise she knew what Hide and Seek was...

Then we got to the field.  She ran round. She chased Demon. She lost the ball and we ended up spending half an hour walking every inch of the field until she found it. Green balls splashed with mud hide pretty damn well in GSD-high grass, take it from me.

I wasn't bothered about the walking until I was dead legged by Stella.

Stella knows many words now. Sit, wait, stay, leave, down, dinner, breakfast, treat, keys, splashy (her word for being allowed into the water when we're out). "Get out of the water" appear not to be on the list. Neither is 'veer' 'avoid' or any other word that means she doesn't crash into me when running.

The years are passing...

Demon had her induction day at school today, so she's spent the day as a Year 6 pupil.  In the car she was wittering non-stop about it.  Ten solid minutes of blah blah blah Year 6 blah blah blah.

Me:             <giggle>
Demon:      Why are you laughing?
Me:            I know you're excited because you haven't shut up all morning!
Demon:       I haven't shut up since year 4! ...............Why are you laughing now?

Floored :D

Honey I got you a present!

Recently I have been discussing money a lot, well, the lack of money to be precise.  The recession is causing a lot of people to look for alternative ways to subsidise their income. Tickles has obviously been earwigging.

Last week, I had a major battle for survival on my hands. Armed with nothing more than a plastic jug and a flute music book...yes, that's right, a flute music book.  My mistake was asking Demon for help and saying "get me a piece of card..." and adding "...or something".  I got the 'something'.  When I asked why she'd given me that, she replied, "well it's made from card isn't it?!"  Correct, the paperback version is indeed made from card...sigh...

So, armed with a plastic jug and a flute music book, and using my elbows to fend off Tatwo and Tickles, I managed to rescue a very dazed, very angry and very soggy.....honeybee....

At first I thought the bee was soggy because of the rain.  And then it dawned on me.  Tickles had actually brought the bee inside...by carrying it in his mouth.  A dangerous act carried out in an attempt to provide his family with their first step in self-sufficiency through bee-keeping?

Or has he got confused about the buzzing from my electric toothbrush?

Doctor's orders....

I've had a lot to deal with over the years, but the past year has been particularly stressful one way or another.  As a result I felt a bit poorly at work yesterday, and this morning took myself off to see the doctor.

It's pot luck who you get, sometimes you get Dr Nice, mostly I avoid Dr Useless, unless I know exactly what I need so I can tell her what she needs to write down.  I refuse all appointments with Dr How? (as in How Did He Become A Doctor?).

Today I got one of my favourite doctors, which makes a pleasant change.

He explained that I have hit my stress levels and that caused the funny turn at work yesterday.  As well as a two week sick note I have orders to take as much exercise as possible.

Me: I walk my dog twice a day

Dr: It needs to be fast walking

Me: She's a German Shepherd....

Dr: In that case, you need to keep up with her!

I get on really well with Dr Sarcastic! :D

Water fool...

Stella has spent most of this week being walked near water.  A couple of days ago we bumped into a black lab dog who's a bit of a ladies man (well he likes to think so) who most bitches get a bit fed up of.  He's a little boisterous with his amorous intentions.  Stella's a little vocal in her rebuff.  I was a bit gobsmacked when they played very well together and thought it might be a lovely walk with a playmate...

I think Stella is psychic.  Beau had been bathed and brushed ready for going on holiday the next day.  He wasn't allowed to get dirty.  Stella made sure he went in the muddy brook....

With an air of resignation usually reserved for me, Beau's owner decided to let him play in the water in the flood plain, and even found a stick to throw in for them.  Stella's not as daft as she makes out, and ran along the bank to get closer to the stick before leaping in.  By the time Beau got to where the stick was, Stella was on the side with a stick barking for it to be thrown back in.  Just as Beau's dad got to the stick, Stella decided to shake the water off her...

I tried so hard not to laugh my cheeks ached :D

Yesterday, I spent ages blowing up a paddling pool, which Stella went nuts in when it was in the living room.  "Fantastic, she's going to love this" I thought.  I put it outside. I spent a lot of time walking to and fro with only one small bucket to fill it.  I filled it. I called Stella.  Stella came out. Stella looked at the paddling pool. Stella turned tail and ran inside with a look of fear on her face.  Nothing, but nothing, could persuade her to get into it.  Maybe the water's too clean......

Today, Demon had an activity day with the Brownies, so as I dropped her off near a park, I thought I'd take Stella for a new walk.  Stella loved it. Stella could smell the river, which at this point is little more than a stream, but down a steep bank which is covered in vegetation. Ha! No wet car for me!  Off she went ahead, and round a corner...at which point I started panicking and called her back. No doggy....and then I heard the noise that all dog owners dread, the noise that puts the fear of god into you...

SPLASH!!

Yes, Stella had found the only access to the river...which, as it was down a steep bank, meant she picked up a fair old pace.  I suspect the ducks may have been surprised by the Tsunami that reached them....

I'm back!

Due to having an operation and generally being busier than a busy thing in busy land, I have neglected my blog of late.  But fear not!  Things are back to normal now!

Well, when I say normal it's quite possibly an ever so slightly different definition to the one found in any dictionary...anywhere....

Stella is back to her usual walks, and is behaving like a puppy again.  Well, more like an adolescent, won't listen to a word I say or do as she's told.  Recently, she found a stick.  She was told to leave the stick alone. Would she listen?  Obviously not, this is Stella after all...

Stella: Mum! Mum! I've found a stick!

ME: Leave it alone.

Stella: But Mum!

ME: Leave it alone!!

Stella:  But. Ow. Mum. Ow. I. Ow. Want. Ow. To. Ow. Play. Ow. With. Ow. It. Ow!

The 'stick' was in fact the remainder of a rose bush.  That's right, complete with thorns.  There was a bit of root left on it, which she used for a while to drag it along, but then she couldn't resist...she chewed it off.  Then she used the round part of the root...until she chewed that off too.  This being the dog who won't eat large chews or kibble because it's too difficult with her poorly teeth!  

So that left her with 4 feet of prickly stick to bounce around with.  Stella knows a lot of words now, even 'keys'.  She appears not to know 'leave'!  I had no choice but to use her intelligence to get her to leave the stick behind.

ME: Oooh Stella, what's this over here?

Stella: Oooohhhhhhh what is it Mum? It's mine! MINE! I found it! Where is it? What is it? It's mine!  I can't see anything... 

I think the doggy version of Mensa is quite safe....

Finders, Keepers...

One year ago yesterday, I went on holiday to Cyprus with my mother and daughter for my cousin's wedding.  I had mixed emotions, as I know first hand what the situation is for strays in Cyprus.

The following day, one year ago today, as we returned from our walk to find a restaurant, Mum remarked how we hadn't seen a cat.  Three minutes later, we were greeting by a tiny tabby kitten, sat on the edge of a pavement beside a busy road, miaowing for attention.  A little tabby and white kitten was following anybody who slowed down.  We stopped, as we are wont to do, to give them some attention.  From behind came an even smaller tabby and white kitten, a little shyer but no less loving.  This was our introduction to Tatwo, Tickles and Titch.  We later met TC and Midnight.  TC was the boss of the family, larger, quieter and far more streetwise than the three amigos shouting for love.  Midnight, a dark Tortoishell, was very shy, very quiet and avoided our touch.

Over the next 6 days we made regular trips to feed them.  It soon transpired that their need wasn't for food, it was for love.  Several tourists were feeding them, but none of the rescues would save them.  With the help of June and Michael, a British couple living in Cyprus and rescuing cats and dogs, and a family on holiday in the same apartments as us, we eventually managed to find them somewhere safe to go to.

Tatwo was named after my lovely, and much missed, Tabbatha.  At that time I didn't know if he was male or female, so Tabbatha Two became Tatwo.  Tickles was named after his love of tummy tickles.  Titch was named because, quite simply, he was the smallest.  TC was the Top Cat, the boss of the family, who made them hide, moved their hiding place and generally kept them as safe as he could.  Midnight, so very dark, was named by my daughter. 

They all had dirty bottoms caused by over-rich diet and milk; they were grubby, needy and so very small.

Summer, my gorgeous Tortoishell and white girl, is a month older, shy at first but firmly established as a mummy's girl, was at the rescue when the Party of 5 went to the sanctuary.  She attached herself to them and became very close to them. When my 17 year old Tinker went to Rainbow Bridge, I made the decision to bring them to the UK.  

We found them.  We've kept them.

If you can help the other cats still in need of homes, please make a donation via their Amazon wishlist or visit their website here... 

 

Buzz off!

Today I went shopping, and that meant coming home was via the back gate.  As I looked over the gate, three little fluffy heads whipped round to look at me.  All three of them stood stock still.  All three had a very guilty look on their faces...

My heart sank as I realised there was something on the ground that caught their attention; three fluffy heads soon looked away to watch whatever was on the ground moving around.  As one paw started tapping the unseen victim, I looked for another baby bird.  No sign.

I realised it was fly shaped and ignored them.  I carried on fetching the shopping in, and suddenly panicked....

As I charged down the garden path three loonies were flipping, jumping and crashing around like electric eels on acid.

Does anyone know if cats are allergic to bee stings?

Infinity is a long time...

Why are bottles of water being dragged across the floor? Why are the cats playing with straws when they have toys? Who is moving the cardboard boxes in the hall when I'm in the living room, Demon is in bed and Stella's on the sofa?  Taaaaaatwooooooooooooooo.......................!!!!!!!!!

On the plus side.....Stella Bella Umberella had to wait til this afternoon for her first walk, I just couldn't get it together after an early start for school run.  I'm not supposed to walk her yet, but she needed to go out and time before school run was about 85% shorter than it's meant to be...oops.  I usually get dragged across the road, round the corner and over to the field.  Today, with much sharp tugs on the halti and begging to 'be good...please!' I managed to get to the field in standard Earth time rather than the normal warp factor 9 speed with both arms in their sockets and my wound still sewn shut.  Fabtastic....until my mad pooch decided she was going to act her age in months rather than years....

Stella bounced around like My Little Pony, hurling her body into every puddle she could find.  She found a twig to play with and shook it til she got dizzy.  She wanted to chase the birds, but they were too far away and she's not actually that impressed by having to make an effort.  We cut across to the flood plain and that's where it happened.  The event that has her, some hours later, moaning and groaning and generally being grumpy.  I kicked her plastic bottle into the water, she threw herself enthusiastically after it....and did a great big fat belly flop.  

And the cardinal sin of all mums is you never, ever, ever...make your little girl get her face wet.  The glare that was thrown my way will last for infinity...and beyond!!

Feeling restless....

Tonight, Tatwo managed to lie down next to Summer on the sofa beside me without being eaten alive; once they were asleep they rolled over til they were arm in arm...both of them woke up....and all hell let loose as they did their best to beat the living shite out of each other!! 

Following TC catching three fledglings the other day, Titch decided today was his turn to be the hunter.  And so we took a baby bird to the wildlife sanctuary. Titch had caught it and brought it indoors, Demon spotted it quickly and shut the door so he couldn't finish the job. The fledgling ended up in a hamster cage in the pantry....where else, this is my house after all....   It spent most of the day shouting at me to be fed until I could take it to the sanctuary.

Woman: Oh we've got another one of these the same age.
Me: ....erm....yeah....we brought that one in too...last week?
Woman: Yes...are there any more?
Me: I bloody hope not!

************************************************************************************

On Saturday, I was allowed to have my first bath after my operation.  Bliss. I was looking forward to it.  Tickles decided to help me with the relaxation process.  First of all he did his utmost to create a jacuzzi, but one paw in a deep bathful of water doesn't have much effect.  And so he went off and sat on the sink.  Soon I was entertained by the drumming of his paw on the wall trying to pull the cord for the light.  Another 1/2 lb psi and I'd have been treated to a light show extravaganza.  Tatwo did his little bit for saving electrickery and shredded a leaflet that had fallen out of my magazine, so no need for the shredder anymore, he has a new vocation. 

It would appear that not only do I need eyes in the back of my head, I need 8 arms and 3 laps.... I'm moving out...

Two long....

Following yesterday's operation, I have started 2 weeks sick leave.

As I'm not allowed to stretch or lift for two weeks, today Stella went for a walk with Demon and Grannie Annie.  Demon came home in tears because she'd put her favourite clothes on...and been dragged over by an exciteable Stella, who was already in trouble for nicking another dog's football and refusing to give it back.  Demon was upset because it's a new ball and Stella was trying to pop it, so she'd had to fight Stella for it and her finger had been scratched by a tooth.  Demon informed Grannie Annie that she was going to throw Stella's toys in the bin when she got home "because when I'm naughty I have stuff confiscated and I don't see why she should be allowed to get away with it".  She was so upset it took a tube of sweets to get over the stress...

Tatwo can't get close enough to me...for about 20 seconds and then he's off beating someone up.

Midnight has been quite cuddly...until Stella wanted to sniff her.  Midnight spat in her face and followed it with a left hook, which strangely enough didn't go down too well.  Much shouty noise from Stella.  Much more shouty noise from Stella every time someone called at next door, which is often throughout the day.  Plus the postman.  And anyone coming to our house.  I'm waiting for her to lose her voice, I have the bunting ready...

Tickles had a cuddle in bed, but after I got up, I was a poor second choice behind his bestest friend Stella.  He kissed her so much she was turning her head away as soon as he got near her.  Not going to work Stella....  Tickles puts his paw ever so gently on the side of her snout...and pulls her around for a snog.  Today she got so annoyed she turned her whole body away, Tickles ran underneath her and left his tail up high.  I swear Stella giggled like the Pilsbury boy as it tickled her tummy, and she sucked her belly in.  That takes some effort and it must have worn her out, she went back to bed.

TC has become a lapcat today, I'm sure I'll get the circulation back soon. 

Summer couldn't get closer to me if she opened my wound and climbed in...hmm hope she's not reading this...  She's resorted to lying wITH HER HEAD ON THE CAPS LOCK....so I apologise to any online friends I've shouted at today.

I'm getting the feeling it's going to be a very long two weeks..............

Homecoming at the Madhouse

My blog has been quiet of late, mainly because I have been psyching myself up for an operation I had yesterday.  A minor one, but my first time to be knocked out.  I was very concerned about a few things.

Would I fart?  Would I wake up shouting and/or swearing at everyone for waking me up?  Would I be ill and have to stay in?  

Luckily, I didn't show myself up and managed to come home the same day, still a bit woozy but home all the same.

The animals had obviously missed me.  Stella went nuts, nothing new there, she does every time she sees me.  Mum said that after the time I normally get home she kept going to the front window and looking out for me, and wouldn't settle.  She went nuts for 30 seconds then promptly went to bed.

The cats did their best to trip me up, I felt like a dyslexic Pied Piper, everywhere I went I was followed by cats.  They all made a fuss of me, Tickles and Tatwo had a punch up under my bed and got told off, so they took themselves back downstairs in a  huff.  And that was the  last I saw of them until this morning.  

That's right....for the first time in years I had the bed all to myself.   And just to make the most of it, I was in bed before 9 year old Demon!!

Sometimes I get really mad...

It is not my intention to use this blog as a political tool, but sometimes things make me really, really angry....


Nature lover bequeaths land for wildlife, but RSPCA sell it for profit.

Welcome to the sick bed...

Last night I had more than a little brandy, a reward for all my hard work.  And also to numb the pain in my neck and back from trying to dig up the rapsberry plants in my garden that I no longer want (yes, I know, that's what painkillers are for, but that's hardly rock and roll now is it?).  The cats did their best to help with the gardening by standing on the garden fork, and digging around the area I was doing my best to clear.  I gave up about halfway through.

So last night in bed, fast asleep, I heard the weather.  When I say weather, I mean wind and rain that makes Armageddon sound like a summer's day.  Which is also possible, this is Britain after all.  It was shortly after being woken up for the first time that I realised the pain in my neck was related to the migraine I was suffering from.  Not good, sleep required.

And so I spent a whole night of being woken up and making me more tired and the migraine worse, on top of the hangover, joy of joys.  But wait, what is this?  Oh, it's my IBS, deciding my body no longer wants food inside it.  

Suffice to say it was not the most restful sleep I've ever had.  I did finally drop off and slept quite soundly....before waking up and thinking I'd had a stroke.  I was completely paralysed from the waist down. I used my arms to push my upper body up and looked down my body...and there it was.  5/6 of a pride of lions.  

Ok, I know, a bit of an exaggeration, being tabbies the boys are more like tigers.  But  they were lying on my legs, and both sides, pulling the duvet tight and rendering me incapable of movement below the waist. Fantastic, perfect excuse to stay in bed.

Tatwo, realising I was awake went off to do what Tatwo does best.  Bump bump bump bump dededededededBANG.  Repeatedly.  I'm not sure if it was louder inside or outside my head.  Demon got up and fed the cats, and while they were eating Stella went outside.  Stella is not impressed by the weather and did her best to let the whole world know, and then shout to be let back in.

Mummy was rung and ordered to bring me lemonade.  Dutifully she came round and sent Demon upstairs with a can for me.

"Here's your lemonade.  I shook it up  a bit coz I forgot it was fizzy so you might want to wait a minute before you open it. See ya!"

I'm not predicting a career in nursing....

I would say just kill me, but it appears that has already happened.

Tsunami!!!

Today we were off out to the field and we saw the Labradoodles ahead of us.

After a sprint Team GB would be impressed by, we caught up with them.

Once we got into the field Stella went offlead, and finally Mr Grumpy let the Labradoodles offlead.  Boy Labradoodle loves Stella very much. Girl Labradoodle just loves running around.  Stella was gobby, so they were in no doubt that The Ball belonged to her.

Girl Labradoodle was hooning around, Stella was hooning around, and then it happened....

Stella tripped over girl Labradoodle, who carried on her way. Stella landed on her belly, legs tucked underneath her....and slid sideways about 4 feet....

...at which point the Tsunami she was causing sprayed Mr Grumpy's legs with muddy water.

Oops! :D

Feeling alarmed...

Demon set her alarm for 6 today.   It went off, woke her, me and half the neighbourhood.  She rolled over, switched it off and promptly fell asleep again.

I, however, did not.  Neither did the cats.

Fantastic, six wide awake IEDs. One fast asleep child. One wide awake mummy.

One mummy being leapt on,  two girlies having a punch up over who is going to be snuggling up to mummy, and curtains swung on until I got up (keep up, Tickles is now Tarzan remember??). 

It's the same at weekends, my new 'lie in' time is now 7am.  0700 hours.  I didn't know there were two 7 o'clocks in one day!!!!

Even Stella sleeps in at the weekend!! 

Operation Wriggly Rescue

Stella enjoyed her walk today, bouncing and hooning around.  We had to detour due to two ducks taking up residence in a puddle in her favourite field, but she was so busy trying to get the milkshake out of a discarded bottle that she failed to notice them.  She was quite interested in the three teenagers who were throwing bags of dog poo at each other, having smashed the bin to pieces.  They noticed our arrival, and decided a free-range German Shepherd was good enough reason to move on.

Demon, meanwhile, was loving the water trickling along the path like a mini river.  Until she found a worm.

Demon: Can worms swim?

Me: No, don't think so, why?

Demon: There's a worm here in the water, that means it's drowning! You have to get it out!

Me: You get it out.

Demon:  Urgh I'm not touching a worm again. Ever!  The last one poohed on me. **

Me: hahahaha yeh that was funny.

I got a bit fed up of picking worms up so Demon found a stick to do it instead.  I went back to Stella to play with her.  From the other side of the field I was kept abreast of worm rescue proceedings...

Demon: OH MY GOD!!  How many worms??!!

*************************************************************************

**Demon, when she was aged about 7 years old, decided she was going to be 'really brave' and pick up a worm.  She chose a long, fat worm.  It was quite peacefully travelling along her hand when she noticed something.

Demon: What's that stuff coming out the end of it?

Me: Which end?

Demon: That end. Is that his bum? 

At this point I couldn't speak for laughing.

Demon: Is it...? EEEUURRGGHH is it pooing on me???  It is isn't it?!?!

I nodded.  Demon flipped out and started squealing in horror.  The worm had flying lessons.

Nature...better than television!

All change...

The aminools are still letting their personalities come out.  

Tickles has stopped thinking he's a hamster.  He now thinks he's Tarzan and regularly swings from the towels hanging on the door.  I love having a tug of war while I'm trying to dry after a shower.  Honestly, I do....

Summer thinks she's an ear muff, I often wake up with one ear warmer than the other, it's a bit disconcerting to find your ear vibrating. Purrs sound so much louder when they're giving you hearing damage.

Stella thinks she's a toddler.  We went to the quagmire and she was over the moon to discover her best friends were back.  Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooo puddles!!  She was throwing her head back, dashing through them to make waves and generally bouncing around like a Spring lamb on crack.

Tatwo thinks he's a tiger and suspect he was the cause of the dead bird in the house the other day.  Not a mark on it, so where the hell did all the feathers come from?  Tatwo, I'd better not find a dead bird under my bed!!!!!!!!

I haven't found out which one has decided to be the paper shredder though....

Scent from Heaven...

Dear Stella

I don't mind washing your cushion covers. Or your bed cover. Or your blankies.

But I wish you'd remember that the reason it stinks so badly is because you KEEP GOING IN THE STINKY WATER AND THE STINKY, MUDDY PUDDLES!!!!!!!!!!

Do NOT lie on my lovely rug because your bed stinks.  I will not be impressed.

And stop farting at me because it stinks...

Love

Mum x

Seasons come and go...

Once upon a time I rescued a white kitten, he was semi feral and totally in love with my GSD Sheba.  Nobody else could get near him for a good while, he had used up several of his 9 lives already and would only answer to his original name despite being only around 4 months old.   As the seasons progressed I found myself out in the garden frantically shouting him to come in as it was snowing and starting to come down thick and fast.   After about 2 or 3 minutes I realised that the neighbours probably thought I'd lost the plot.

His name was Snowy.

Recently we've been informed that the UK is in a drought, and it's done nothing but rain since. Which makes it great fun shouting the one and only cat who hates to be inside if there is daylight left....

That's right, in the middle of a downpour or hail shower, I'm in the garden shouting Summer...

Wildcats....

Last night Demon went to Grannie Annies, which meant I could enjoy a lie-in.  The cats had other ideas...

They cats were doing their level best to wake me up early, so in retaliation I did my level best to ignore them. Until Tatwo decided to get his lower jaw stuck in his collar (no, I have no idea either) and start bouncing around the bedroom like an animal possessed and screaming in terror. It took a rugby tackle, a blanket, a dressing gown and a whole lot of bravery to hold him down while I pulled it off.

Bit extreme Tatwo...

Happy Half anniversary Stella!!!!

Exactly 6 months ago today I formally adopted Stella. She was rescued heavily pregnant and how the ladies collecting her  managed not to speak their minds to the old owners I have no idea. Stella had eaten the contents of the bin and bits of sofa she was so starved, but managed to give birth to 8 surviving puppies.

One of whom met Stella today quite by accident! Little Max, now Louis, was at a local dog rescue's fundraising open day and show, spotted his mum and went mad to come over to see her. It was only through talking to the owners that we even realised they were mother and son. Stella and Louis knew though.  There is no way they could have smelt each other that far apart, there is a link there that is far deeper than one we understand.

And Demon entered the Child Handler category...and came SECOND!! Stella's first ever show and the lady asked Demon how many shows she took part in because she was so good with Stella.

I have no idea how to top today on our one year anniversary!!!

Health n Safety...

Going to the bathroom can be a dangerous activity.  If germ warfare doesn't kill me, it's quite possible one of the cats will.

Tickles likes to jump up onto the toilet.  He did it once without seeing me lift the lid, and very nearly disappeared head first into the bowl.  He regained his balance, thought about it and decided he wanted to have a drink.  Unfortunately, he did this without me realising he'd jumped up and I nearly sat on him...  He also likes to stand on his back legs and peek over the top of the sink like a toddler.  If I should put my hand on the sink, he thinks my fingers are a moving target.  He has a good aim and I have lots of small holes in my skin.  It's like dot to dot for blind people.

Titch has a fetish about my feet.  He will come in, watch me sit on the toilet and instantly throw himself on my feet.  He will only do it, though, if I am barefoot.  I have to point out that I am extremely ticklish and most mornings start with me screeching at him to stop picking on me while my feet are moving around in random patterns trying to avoid his attention.  Brings a whole new meaning to the term bog trotter...

Midnight is still very quiet.  This assists in the 'lying in wait' ninja position at the top of the stairs.  I never have a clue she's there until it's very nearly too late.  The only time she moves from the top of the stairs is when she lies outside the bathroom door.

TC is becoming a lap cat.  He also likes to stop the circulation in my feet by lying on them at night.  Must see the vet for a diet sheet.  He likes to wrap himself around my legs whenever I'm walking, which makes getting out of the bath a bit challenging.  At least I don't have far to go before the wall breaks my fall.

The other night, very late at night, when the world was quiet, the house was in darkness and I was on my own, I started brushing my teeth.  As I bent over the sink to spit, the door banged open about 120 degrees...I nearly bit the toothbrush in half as I had a heart attack through fear.  My attacker? Summer....   Summer has a thing about opening the bathroom door. She does it whenever I take longer than she deems necessary in there.  One morning she smashed it open while I was wiping my face dry. The towel hangs on the back of the door....

And Tatwo.....is still a lunatic.

Putting your foot in it...

If you ask Stella if she wants to go to the toilet, it usually results in lots of barking.

So when you need to ask her at 330am if she wants the toilet, it's a bit nervewracking. 

I have a babygate on the stairs to prevent her coming upstairs.  This was started as soon as she moved in due to the imminent arrival of the Cyprus 6 and not having a clue how they would get on. I thought, cunningly, that it would give the cats some space from Stella.  It actually gives Stella space from the cats....

But I digress.  Stella is very good, and 9 times out of 10 the babygate is left half open.  Mainly because the cats are too stupid to work out how to get through a shut babygate (jump, you lazy little gits!) despite being bloody experts at getting out of a locked cat flap.  Luckily the babygate was left open the night she had a poorly tummy.  She came up at 330 am and woke me up.  I sent her downstairs and went back to bed, for at least a whole nanosecond.  And then she was back up.

Luckily I realised she needed to go out, and she responded quietly, rather than her usual demented response.

But letting her out is usually cause for a noise abatement order, particularly at 330 am....so I had to take her out on a lead to make sure she didn't rush out to protect her garden from the monsters that she thinks live there. 

I'm so very glad I didn't ignore her and get up to the most destroyed carpet in the world.  At stupid o'clock, in nothing more than a nightshirt, I was stood in the garden listening to the world fall out of poor Stella's bum. 

Only, it wasn't the garden I'd just stood in..............

Rubber balls come bouncing back..and back...and back.

Tatwo went upstairs to play last night.  Three hours he was playing with his ball, bouncing it down the stairs, then thundering down after it in his lead bottomed clodhoppers.  The heaviest pawed cat in the world, I swear.  It doesn't help that he's been playing with the uber bouncy ball he's 'acquired' from Demon.  The type you can drop from a standing height, make yourself a cup of tea and by the time you come back the bloody thing is still bouncing off the walls, ceiling and light fittings.

When I went to bed I read a magazine, but as I couldn't flaming hear myself think I took action!  I got up, confiscated the bouncy ball, and  the ball with the bell in for good measure, and went back to my magazine with a smug grin on my face.  It was shortly after snuggling under the duvet that I made a discovery.

Tatwo has three balls...  

Another half an hour of bump, bump, bump, dududududududududbang and I gave up.  Switching the light off I reasoned that he'd soon give up.  Fifteen minutes later he went quiet.

I woke up in the morning thinking I'd be able to enjoy the lie in as it's a school holiday. Yeh, right.  As Tatwo had lost his ball he couldn't annoy me with lobbing it down the stairs and chasing it. So he opened my drawers and started throwing my clothes out.  

One ball swiftly returned....

Run, Rabbit, run...

Sundays....day of rest....until there's a knock on the door.

Next door brat: Er, excuse me, we've just looked out of the window and your cats are in the rabbit run.

Me: Oh for god's sake...ok, thanks.

As I go to shut the door she continues:

yeh they're terrorising the rabbits..

I ran into the garden full of fear.  And yes, the boy cats were all wondering around the rabbit run.

And the rabbits were sat on the lawn watching them.

A taste of today...

Today I bought myself an Easter egg.  It is to replace the last one I bought, which I ate.  And that one was to replace the first one I bought.  And ate.  I may have to hide this one from myself....

TC and Summer are loving life on the sofa.  They lie next to me and if I get up, slowly move towards each other.  Which means when I sit down I often sit on their tails.  It's not my fault, my beloved Tinker lived with me for 17 years and she had no tail to sit on. Or stand on. Or shut in doors.  I'm very sorry cats....

Demon left the lid off her tub of pompoms.  After polystyrenegate, we now have pompomgate...Demon, you've got a lot of tidying up to do tomorrow.  

Demon was given a sticker at school.  

Me: Was it rectangular?

Demon: No, it was round.

Me: Was it silver?

Demon: No it was red and white.

Me: And did the teacher put it over your mouth?

Demon: No Mum, we weren't gaffer taped.....

New ball please!

Today we went to the field.  It was a bit cooler and that led me to the decision to avoid the water.  That and yesterday's antics...

So we went for a bimble, and passed the brook.  As usual, Stella took herself off into the brook, stood in it....and you could hear the cogs turning.  Hmmm, bit cold is it Stella?

A nano second later she was back out of the brook and we went for a walk.  Stella played with her new ball quite a lot today.  It hasn't popped yet, despite her best efforts, but as it has lost its coating, it tends to collect bits quite easily.  Today's collection was mud, leaves, twigs and a random feather.  We had time to take a new path, which unfortunately led us to the water.  No worries though, Stella isn't as daft as she lets you think she is, and stayed well clear of the water.

Until we got to the stagnant, stinking, putrid mudhole.  Yes, you guess it, straight in.  Thankfully, it's only knee deep.  The Ball got to have a play too.  It must have tasted as badly as it smelt, because Stella took it straight into a pond.  Well I say 'in'.  She threw it into the water while she dipped her toes in.  Then it was time to grab and dash.  

Back in the field, she was deliberately winding me up by not letting me kick the ball, and I got fed up of my 'Mr Miagi's school of karate' poses in front of bemused teenagers and told her we were going home. 

As not enough flying through the air had taken place, the ball had still retained all of it's detritus, and Stella decided she was going to clean it.

By wiping it down my legs.....repeatedly.  

I now have the smelliest, slimiest jeans known to womankind.

Cheers Stella....

Water calamity!

OK, own up!!  Who let Stella sniff the blue smarties?!?!  I took her for a walk yesterday and she was a complete lunatic.

As Demon had her friend to play with, Stella went postal with the water and got soaked.  She kept throwing herself in, which isn't as brave as it sounds, it only reaches her belly.  Having run out of things to fetch, she bounded up behind a teenager, who had rolled his trouser legs up to his knees...and rubbed herself across the back of them.  Poor lad nearly had a heart attack.  Worse was to come.

He picked up a stone, and, as his friend wandered off, went to throw it into the water.  Stella was watching the stone like a hawk.  Before she came into rescue she's obviously spent a lot of time playing with stones, as her teeth are broken and chipped.  Knowing exactly what she was about to do, I shouted NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! very loudly.  I looked up to see a teenager with a very stunned expression and his arm up in the air.

Me: Oh sorry, I'm not shouting at you, I'm shouting at her...she's waiting for you to throw it.

Teenager: Oh, I'll put it down then!

And with that he dropped it like...well, a hot stone now you come to mention it and off he went.  He perched on the side of the water and started splashing his feet in the water.  He's braver than me, I know what Stella smells like when she's been in there!  But as he sat there splashing the water around with his feet, a certain little girl high-tailed it towards him and threw herself into the water.  Exit stage right one teenager screaming in terror....

I called her off, and she came straight back.  After sniffing smelling salts for the shock, I tried to get her to come away from the poor, traumatised teenager.

But then...Stella spotted a floating log.  As it drifted towards her, hearing was set to OFF and nothing I said got through her ears, never mind brain.  As the log got to our side of the water, she stood in the shallows and tried to get it into her mouth.  Not even Stella's gob is that big (and that's words I never thought I'd utter) and she gave up.  It was then she realised that there were humans sitting on it.  The first one caught her attention, the second one confused her as they had no legs.  The third one really grabbed her attention as he was waving a stick around.  A stick that was soon in a tug of war between a very amused man and a very confused dog.

Me:  Stellaaaaaaaaaaaaa....

Stella: Mum! Mum! Did you see it? Did you see that great big giant log? And did you see that man playing with me with that stick?

Me:  No, Stella...........that's a C.A.N.O.E........and that stick is actually a P.A.D.D.L.E.....

Stella:  Ooopsie....

The man was taking the boys away from us, but soon realised that the swans were approaching and being aggressive.  Very slowly he did an eleventy million point turn and started heading back....towards a hyper German Shepherd bouncing like a lamb and shouting about how she wanted a go.....

We didn't go to the water today....

Fateful musings...

Note to self: do NOT, under any circumstances, tempt Fate....

Too late.  When I said that living with the cats was like living in a snow globe, it was before I realised they had found a lump of polystyrene.   Which is becoming smaller by the second....

So, I truly do, now, live in a snow globe and I have the carpet to prove it!  What little of it I can see.

They've all had a go at playing football with it, but Tatwo is currently hiding in the cardboard box used to store Stella's toys and denying all knowledge.  Again.

Straw poll...

Demon decided she couldn't be bothered to keep picking up her drink, so she used a 50cm 'giant' straws and put her drink on the floor so the straw would fit.  Lazy mare.  I put the straw (after she'd finished, obviously)  in the recycling bag and thought nothing more of it.

When I heard a banging noise I was a little confused.  Straws tend not to bang.  I looked round the corner and caught Tatwo, Tickles and TC working together/fighting each other/working together to get the straw back out of the bag, which was hanging off a doorhandle.  Success was a long time coming, but finally the straw was free and the door could go back on its hinges.

Tatwo was seen sprinting off upstairs with a 50cm straw in his mouth, and his two brothers in hot pursuit, to play with his new toy.  Half an hour later, Tatwo came back downstairs with something that resembled a straw, still sideways in his mouth, and all four siblings chasing him.

By the time he got to the living room he had two on each side of him, all five of them lined up with a strangled straw in their mouths.

Stella was fascinated by them, and Summer was on the sofa with me being thankful she's not a genetic relative of the loonies hooning round my living room.

Meanwhile I was taking bookings from the Red Arrows for formation training...

The madness is spreading....

 A Facebook conversation from today.

Karen: Just so everyone knows - today is apparantly not Saturday . . .

Me: Monday wasn't Sunday either. I hate these days that swap round

Chrissie:  If Monday wasn't Sunday then Friday is July??? 

Me: It quite possibly could be, we do put the clocks forward after all! 

Chrissie:  Yes am moving mine forwards to the patio doors

Stella goes Ninja...

Stella likes sticks.  When I say 'sticks', I mean wood of any length.  She's not bothered as long as she has something to play with.  Hence the look of fear on my face when a 7 foot tall young tree was shaking as if a wild animal was charging through the forest.  In actual fact it was a mad German Shepherd who wouldn't be told that the 'stick' was actually a branch, and still attached...

At the other end of the scale, she'll quite happily play with a twig.  Still bouncing around like My Little Pony and pretending she's carrying a log that a lumberjack would view with pride.

She has a tendency to chew the middle of the stick.  She did it one day, chewed the middle out of the wood, but left the bark intact.  So that's two mini sticks, attached in the middle by the bark.  You're one step ahead of me, aren't you?!  Yes, correct, homemade nunchucks.

Stella picked up one stick, and I knew she was going to shake it. I did tell her not to, but why listen to your mum?  So she shook it...and nearly brained herself.  Hmmmm confusion, let's put the stick down and think about it.  For about 30 seconds she stood looking at the stick, and sniffing it.

Obviously, when you've shaken one out of two sticks, and the other one is a) attached and b) smacking you in the face, the way to solve the problem is.....to pick up the second of the two sticks and shake that one instead.  That's right, the one that's the same length and same distance from the other one....

Being surprised at being brained for a second time, Stella finally worked it out.  The way to play with homemade nunchucks is to fold them in half apparently!

Speechless.....

Demon was explaining the conversation at lunch that she and a few of her fellow 9 and 10 year olds had.

Demon: We were talking about which would be the worst way to die.
Me: Oh. Nice.
Demon: Yeh, we have these random conversations sometimes.
Me: You're not wrong there.  This was at lunchtime? While you were eating?
Demon: Yes.  Molly said being shot with a rifle. George said being murdered.
Me: Nice....
Demon: And I said, having your skin taken off all over and being dropped into a vat of lemon juice.

Speechless..........

When Mother Nature calls....

Last week Stella and I had one of our walks in the woods without Demon.  Halfway through the walk I was struck by a thought.

I need the toilet....

Luckily, the woods is part of a council run park, and it has a toilet block.  Sorted!

Not sorted.  I was on my own with Stella. 

Nothing to it, I'll take her in with me I thought.  All was well until Stella spotted the toilet.  Ooooh drink!! 

Erm, no don't think so!!  I shrieked NO! and Stella backed out of the cubicle.  Every time I tried to get her back in, she stuck her head down the toilet.  I was fast beginning to realise that this perhaps wasn't the best idea I'd ever had.

We ended up using the disabled cubicle, which I thought would give us plenty of room.

It gave me marginally more time to wrestle a German Shepherd doing a fantastic Father Jack Hackett impression away from a toilet while my bladder was at bursting point and my stomach was struggling to hang on to it's contents due to the smell....  I think Stella's not the only one to need a DRINK!! 

Identity crises.

I've noticed the personalities of my pets has changed a little lately. 

Stella likes to eat cat food, and the cats like to eat dog food.  When Stella does a poo, Tickles will bury it for her.  When the cats play fight, Stella tells them all off.  They're a pretty tightknit bunch now.

This morning I was in the shower, and had the bathroom radio on.  A good tune came on, and I was quite happily singing.  The door swung open, and Titch sat in the doorway glaring.  Normally, if I'm in the bathroom, Titch is in the bathroom.  He's worse than a toddler.  This morning, though, he was not impressed by the level of noise.

Me: Ello Titch

Titch: I'm not coming in til you stop that noise.

Me: Shut the door Titch, it's letting the heat out.

At this point the door shut in his face and with the best Garfield glare he could muster, he pushed the door open again, and sat with one paw holding the door open.  Tickles shot in.  Tickles now thinks he's a hamster, and had a field day with the cardboard inner from the toilet roll.  Titch let the door shut and stalked off, muttering.  He's no longer a morning cat.

 Midnight thinks she's a Ninja, and will quite happily lie down in dark places, waiting.....just waiting....  I think she may have found the insurance policy and got her name on it as beneficiary.  Her favourite place to lie when it's dark, knowing how I generally walk around in the dark is.....the top of the stairs.  Hmmmm...

Summer thinks she's a dog.  A Boxer.  She will quite happily punch anything in the face, or on the leg, or on the back...anywhere she can reach really.  No reason for it, it's purely because she can.

TC thinks he's a girl.  He makes a beeline for any reflective surfaces, shoving anything that happens to get in the way onto the floor.  I have a coat over the mirror on my dressing table.  It's not cold, it just stops the vainest cat in the whole wide world from gawping at himself as he empties the stuff onto the floor.

Stella thinks she's a cat now.  Every time we go out, she's off chasing birds.  And ignoring the dogs.

And Tatwo.....is still a nutter.

Letter from the cats....

Dear Mum

Thank you for showing us the magic doors, we think they're amazing.  We just don't know how to work them properly though, do they come with instructions?  The little one in the big one lets us go out to the garden, but sometimes it won't open and we smack our noses on it.  And when we're outside we want to come back in but Stella keeps poking her head through it, can you tell her it's ours and she's not allowed to play with it please?

We love the magic food doors, but they don't work very well.  We got inside the one with all the boxes and tins it.  We found those little shiny balls but they're a bit too small to play with and they stick to your paws.  Demon said they were supposed to go on her cakes, but we weren't to know were we?! We know you come out of that door with our food, so we looked really hard for it.  We know it isn't underneath the silver balls, but we looked behind the cereals you have for breakfast, and in the bag of crisps, and everywhere.  Sorry about the mess, but we did put it in a neat pile on the floor.  We didn't find any of our food, and we hope you haven't run out of it.  You haven't, have you?! Noooooo, please tell us we won't starve!  We haven't eaten for all of two long horrible hours, we're wasting away here....

We tried looking behind the magic door with the light.  We don't like that one.  It's cold and we don't like being cold.  And it keeps shutting on our heads, we don't like that either.  Please don't keep our food in there, we'll never be able to get to it if you do.

We really love living here Mum.  Well actually, we love living with you and Demon and Stella and those funny things at the bottom of the garden that live in the big wire cage.  We don't love the rain or the wind though.  When we lived in Cyprus we had a big yellow heater in the sky.  Can you get one for here too please?  But make sure you don't turn it up too much or all the humans get lazy and sleep lots, and as we all know, that's our job....

Lots of love,
The Cats xxxxxx

It's been a funny old week....

The cats have slowly destroyed everything.  My curtains.  My sofa.  My will to live....  It's like living in a snow globe, I tidy up, 3 seconds later six monsters enter the room and shake it all up again.  

******************************************************************************************************

Facebook status during last week....

Girl cats AWOL....upset child
Found girl cats, got them in, now lots of scrapping cats.....upset dog gobbing off
Dog gives Brat a Glaswegian kiss.....bawling child
Child realises there is blood...all. Hell. Let. Loose....

Someone please just shoot me....

 *************************************************************************************************

On Sunday the weather was lovely, no wind, no rain, and a yellow round UFO in the sky bringing much smileyness.  Off we went to the woods.  Seems everyone else had the same idea, and Stella was thankfully in a good mood.  She was trotting ahead of us, and we approached a corner that I always make her wait at.  If I don't, she ends up in the stinky pond.  As we got closer, I noticed a couple, probably in their late 40s sat on the bench sucking each other's face off.  Suddenly, the woman ended up flat on her back, legs wrapped around the bloke, and he was sat on the bench but laying over the woman.  "Bit much, there's kids round..." I thought. Stella got bored of waiting and started trotting off.  I called her, but not particularly loudly.  I called her again.  At this point she put her ball down, which is what she does when she's waiting.  But instead of waiting, she carried on trotting.  Towards the amorous pair on the bench.  They didn't see her coming.   They did, however, catch the face stuck between theirs and the "wotchyadoooooooooin?" 

 Much shrieking ensued....and then the woman shrieked too.

 At this point Stella trotted back to a Mum who couldn't resist saying "you're lucky she didn't join in...."

Hopping mad...

I've had rabbits for the last few years, two large ones called Pele and Conker.  Sadly, Conker the French lop girl died last year and Pele was left on his own.  Rabbits don't fare well as solitary animals, and so I found a rescue not too far away to bond him with another girl.  We chose Wendy.

Wendy is a lot smaller than Pele, and is therefore a lot quicker.  Quicker to get to the food, quicker to sit in the bowl and quicker to do a runner with her favourite bits.  She likes to escape.  A lot.  Tonight I've had to shovel half my garden back into a hole she's created, and it would seem it's not a hidey hole for her, oh no, it's a hidey hole for a herd of elephants if the size is any indication of her intentions.

A couple of weeks ago I couldn't find her to put her to bed at night.  Night was drawing in fast so time was of the essence.  She was nowhere to be found, and on a complete whim I looked over the fence.

There she was, sat in next door's garden.  Laughing at me. 

It took me climbing over all sorts of building materials, being smacked in the face by tree branches I couldn't see because of lack of light to discover she could get round both sides of the neighbour's shed.  Having hurtled head first over a pile of something hard and bruise making and quite clearly hovering at thigh level, I was beginning to lose the will to live.  The neighbour by now had begun co-ordinating rabbit rescue from the edge of the lawn, and had her niece guarding one side of the shed while Demon guarded the other.  Wendy sat in the flowerbed admitting defeat...until I got near enough to be able to grab her and she was off at top speed.

I start my new career in English Rugby next weekend.....