Saturday 31 December 2011

New Year's Resolutions....

Today, Demon and I were discussing which ones we were going to make while walking Stella through the woods.  I suggested hers could be 'keep your room tidy' and 'no gobbing off at me'.

Her response?

"Hmm...I think I'd like to make ones I'm going to keep to".

Well that's me told!  

Happy New Year to all my Blogettes! :D xx

Friday 30 December 2011

Letters to Auntie Cathy...

 Hello Auntie Cathy,

Thank you for my present. I don't know what it is because mum says she's putting it under a tree, but I'm a bit confused because we don't have one in our garden!

Lots of love
Stella Bella Umberella xx

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Hello Auntie Cathy!! 

I opened that box you sent me and did you know there was a football in it?! I really love my football and have thrown it all around the living room!

Thank you very much, lots of slobbery kisses

Stella Bella Umberella xxx

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Hello Auntie Cathy!
I have some bad news....I'm allergic to the ball you sent me :(

I played with it at home and mummy said I could take it to the field. It's such a special ball I even let her carry it!  When we got there I ran through the gate, so mummy threw it for me, and I chased it and I caught it and I maked it do that pffffffffffffff noise so it squishes like all my other balls!  Then I got excited and I shaked it and shaked it and shaked it and shaked it and shaked it and shaked it and then I felt a bit poorly and put it down.  It made me really dizzy....

Slobbery kisses

Stella Bella Umberella xxxx

Thursday 29 December 2011

Water baby.

Stella is a water baby, she loves getting wet.  She first got introduced to water by her new best friend Tia, and Tia's foster brother Jake.  They went on a walk together and it started off by Tia and Jake launching themselves into the water off the cliff like lemmings.  A two foot high cliff, they're not stupid. Stella finally walked into the water, went after a stick, fell over and realised she could swim.  Straight up the river after the ducks...

When we go out to play football, we go over to what we call the field.  It's actually a quagmire.  Even the puddles have puddles. Stella loves the feeling of running over grass and being able to splash at the same time.  The other day she did really well avoiding all the large puddles. Until I said 'time to go home'...  She deliberately paddled into the middle of the biggest puddle. And stood there grinning at me.

When we last went to the woods, she tried going home with a family of 5 dogs, only to be told no.  She wasn't happy with that so she launched herself into the pond as a protest.  The pond is stagnant.  Well it was until she'd paddled through every square inch of it with a smirk on her face!

So, I now know that wherever I go, if water is nearby Stella will be chomping at the bit to be in it.  

So why then, if it's raining, does Stella refuse to go out for a wee because she's going to get wet??!!
 

Wednesday 28 December 2011

Free range hamster....

Rosie the hamster has been chewing her cage a lot just lately and waking me up, despite being in another room.  Last night, well technically it was this morning as it was 1 AM, she decided to escape and have a bimble around my bedroom.  

When Nibbles died, I put Rosie into the rotastak cage as it's a lot more secure than the home Rosie currently has.   Needless to say, Rosie let it be known she wasn't impressed and wasn't going to live in it under any circumstances, she even went on hunger strike in protest of the destruction of her Hamster Rights.  So, the cage was cleaned, dismantled, and put in a cardboard box in my bedroom.  

Bearing in mind just how much Rosie hated the cage, I was a bit surprised to eventually find her.  

In the box, climbing into the cage.  The one she really, really hated. 

Answers on a postcard...

Wood you believe it?

Stella has moved on from playing with cans, but plastic bottles are still a favourite.  She'll even put her ball down, pick the bottle up, put the bottle down and then pick up her ball again.  She just can't resist.

Her new toy of choice is wood. 'Sticks?', you ask?  No. I mean wood.

It started with a large stick when we walked through the woods.  It was so big that she took about 20 feet of walking, dropping it every 2 feet and smashing my legs in when she picked it up, to finally get the balance right and be able to carry it without having her head on permanent tilt. Another 10 feet of walking and the penny finally dropped in her tiny doggy mind.  People with smashed in knees tend not to walk very fast and lag behind.  Stella stopped walking and turned her head to see where I was...and in doing so poked herself in the side with the end of the big stick!! Priceless :)

A couple of days later she found a branch.  That's right, branch, definitely not stick.  Inch and half wide one end.... 4 feet wide at the other.  She loved her branch and did her best to drag it home before the effort of walking sideways started to become too much like hard work.  Stella doesn't 'do' hard work!

Two days ago we walked over to the field where she plays with her ball.  (When I say 'field', I'm using artistic licence).  Stella was offlead but we didn't have her ball with us, so other entertainment was required.  She spotted something in the long grass...bounced across like a spring lamb...and came back with a 6 foot fence post.

I have put an order in for fence panels.

Monday 26 December 2011

Christmas is for kids...

So, yesterday being Christmas Day, we visited my mum to meet up with the clan.  After they'd left Demon got on my lap for a cuddle.  Not being one to resist...I tickled her. 

Demon: Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan
Gran: What?
Demon: Gran! Come and sort your daughter out!  She's tickling me!
Gran: Sort her out yourself.
Demon: Oh right, that's it, when I get home I'm ringing Childline!

The best Christmas present I've had is Demon sleeping in til gone 930 this morning!!  Today is pyjama day watching films while Demon is in her bedroom lifting floorboards it seems...

Saturday 24 December 2011

Scooby Don't...

Last week we had some time to go out for a game of football without the Demonic one, which meant I was the one doing the kicking.  Stella tends to drop the ball half a field away from you, walk away, lie down, wait for you to get near enough to raise a foot to kick it...then steam up to the ball and be off with it before your foot's made contact.  Leaving you stood in the middle of a field with one foot in the air looking like you're a student at Mr Miyagi's school of Karate.  Last week she changed tactics.  

Run off - check.  
Put ball down - check.  
Lie down behind ball, fidget to get your body as flat as possible so you can hide behind the ball without being spotted- check.  
Sloooowly peek over the top of the ball so you can see where mum is without her seeing the ball sprout ears - check.  
Wait til she gets close enough to touch the ball and leg it - check.


I'm not letting Stella watch Scooby Doo again...

What's the story, Jackanory??

Recently, we met a man walking his dog while we were walking Stella.  We had a conversation.  It goes as follows...

Man: What sort's your dog?
Me: German Shepherd
Man: I thought it was. My dog's half German Shepherd so I recognised it like.

His dog was black and tan.  I'm not sure which half was German Shepherd as it wasn't the front and wasn't the back.  The wire haired terrier didn't even reach his knees, so perhaps there was a half of it that was left at home.

Man: I've got a German Shepherd but he lives in London, he's a working dog.  He's a police dog.  In the military like.  He's 23.
Me: Wow...
Man: He stopped a burglary, the house got burgled, they took everything, then later they went back.  He had the burglar up against the wall, bit him he did.  When the police turned up they said 'we've got to have your dog put down, coz it's bitten someone'.  Luckily my sister was there, she's a Chief Superintendent in the Metropolitan Police so she sorted it. My brother was there too, he's a Inspector in the police.  My dog had the copper up the wall, so I said to him, don't take your hat off. I called the dog off, he didn't turn round he just backed up and sat next to me. Then I said, you can take your hat off now.  But my brother and sister, they said 'you're not putting the dog down' so he said ok like.  They both had their guns, no coats, just their guns there like so he said ok. He said 'that's a well trained dog you got there', I said 'what do you expect, he's a military police dog', I was stood there in full uniform like.
Me: Wow...

A 23 year old German Shepherd who's still working and stopping burglaries? Pfft, that's nothing mate.

My dog thinks she's Scooby Doo.

Tuesday 20 December 2011

uh oh...Santa alert!

I've tried really, really hard to make the magic of Christmas last.  We've had the conversations about good behaviour being rewarded by Santa bringing lovely presents and about little girls who are being good getting special presents. 

I'm not convinced she believes me fully, but we were swinging towards Christmas being magical this year.

Right up to the point where I forgot about two presents in a carrier bag, and brought the bag out of the car.  Little eyes spotted them and she was in the bag faster than a fast thing in Fastland....

It's safe to say that Stella no longer believes in Santa Paws...

Sunday 18 December 2011

If you go down to the woods today...

...you best take a peg!  Stella, for probably the first time ever, went to the toilet BEFORE we got to the doggy bin!  Not her usual half a mile after the last one, before it, a pleasant change.  Pleasantness is a shortlived state I can tell you.  I walked towards the mountainous pile only to be smacked in a face by a force field.  A force field so strong it nearly broke my nose!  Well actually, it was just a really bad smell, that was so bad I could smell it through blocked sinuses AND a cold!  Now, I'm a bit of a boffin, because I've watched CSI, all series, avidly.  I know that when dealing with a really bad smell, the trick is to breathe through your mouth.

I can now tell you that dog poo tastes worse than it smells... :-s

Saturday 17 December 2011

my very own Santa baby!!!

Secrecy...

...is not Demon's finer point.  I picked her up this morning from her weekly sleepover at Grannie Annie's.

Demon: I've bought your Christmas present
Me: Oh, what is it?
Demon: I can't tell you!
Me: That's not fair!  OK, give me a clue...
Demon: It's a DVD....



I love my daughter's ability to keep a secret. :D

Monday 12 December 2011

Cabin fever...

Demon is ill with a very high temperature, so Stella hasn't had a lot of time out of the house due to me being Dr Kildare for a couple of days.  Yesterday she took to throwing her leather football around the living room and shouting at me to play.  The headache kicked in faster than the message to stop shouting, but perhaps she couldn't hear me over all the noise...

The ball went flying and landed next to Demon's school bag.  Now I should describe the bag.  It's pink (gross child likes pink) and has a black and white photo on the side of it of a cat.  Wearing a tiara. As you do.  The cat in the picture was not only wearing a tiara, it was upside down.

So the ball landed next to the 'cat'...and Stella froze in anticipation...

It took a few seconds of playing statues for Stella to look at me.  Then bark at the cat...to throw the ball back.

Saturday 10 December 2011

Treatsy does it!

Tonight I gave Stella a treat, one of her uber favourite ones.

I told her to sit.  One sitting dog.
Asked for her paw....cue one windmill paw going like the clappers!
Asked for her other paw...cue other paw being raised....

Only thing is, Stella forgot to put her first paw down... 

Stella does a great impression...

...of Bambi on ice!  She went for a walk, ball in mouth and yet STILL able to moan at me, and then we hit ice....

Literally :D

Her eyebrows were like cartoon ones, hovering a couple of inches above her head. I'm guessing she's never seen ice, much less tried to walk on it.  Her legs went in four different directions, so her response to the confusion was to sit down.  And quickly realised that as her feet were cold her bum would be too and stood up quickly.  Bit too quickly though, and off she went again!

She walked on the grass coming home...

Friday 9 December 2011

Walkies!

Stella Bella Umberella had her first proper walk today since she was speyed and put on light walkies.  First dog decided she was going to glare at her for no reason whatsoever. The next decided she wanted to play but the owner decided Stella was obviously a cannibal who eats smaller dogs (she's not - she only eats small children).  The owner dragged the poor little thing across the road on sight of Stella.  So he was rewarded by an unhappy little dog parking her bum in the middle of the road to complain about it!

So, not only does nobody get to play with her, she's not even allowed offlead!  Not a happy doggy!  She got home, inhaled her dinner, sat yes SAT in the dogbed!!!  Got out of dogbed because obviously if she's allowed to sit in it she's not going to do it!  She's 99% comatose on her cushion now.  The 1% is her right ear, which is picking up any sign of movement I may make towards the door.

After almost two weeks of no long walks there is much aching and tiredness.  And Stella's knackered too....

Thursday 8 December 2011

Sleeping tight....

So!  Demon in bed? Check!  Hamster on landing? Check! Guinea pig in Demon's bedroom? Check!

I did say this was the Mad House didn't I...?

I put the hamster on the landing when she needs cleaning out as she lives in Demon's bedroom, and trying to clean a hamster cage in the dark is neither big nor clever. I know. I've tried. 

Due to bone idleness and complete stress-out, I have yet to build the guinea pig his new shed.  Saturday is my aim.  I've been aiming for weeks now...  So, as it's due to snow and it's blowing a gale stronger than Stella's bum, I decided to bring him in overnight.

Slight problem, Stella thinks Buster is a toy to chase...so upstairs he has to go!  Demon is made up, she's wanted Buster to live in her bedroom ever since we got him.  But, as she has a habit of getting up in the middle of the night and waking me up when getting into my bed, I told her tonight if she gets up in the middle of the night she'll frighten him.  I have the power....

Last night was a 'get into mum's bed' night - again!  I had to get up to move Rosie the hamster from the landing into Demon's (now empty) bedroom as she woke me up trying to drag half an egg box through a tube the size of Syrian hamster.  Then I put the light on quickly to see the time.  When I woke the Demonic one up this morning, she moaned she was tired.

Me: Why?
Demon: Because you woke me up in the middle of the night!
Me: Did I? When?
Demon: When you said "Demon, get up its quarter past seven"!

I don't think Demon is into early mornings any more..

in stitches...

Today Stella had her stitches removed.  Thankfully help was on hand with the assistance of a friend called Tim (who very luckily had the smelly end!) and Demon, who got to scratch Stella Bella's chest to keep her calm, (and failed, miserably!).  I got the noisy end.  I am now deaf in one ear thanks to the whinging and whining and moaning of a German Shepherd ', a noble and aggressive, obedient and self-assured' breed....  Or as the owners know them to be... soft, whingy, wimpy, whiney critters when within 100 feet of a veterinary surgery!!

Stitches removed, everything 'down there' is hunky dory...but I am considering stitching her gob shut next time we go to the vets!!  The vet advised keeping her quiet for a few more days....hahaha yeh right, take her home and tell me how you do that!!!

Wednesday 7 December 2011

Migraine mania....

Monday night I had a massive migraine which was a) more painful than anything ever and b) not gone by the time I finally got up at 8am.  I couldn't bear movement of any direction, quick movement in front of my eyes, or noise.

Stella is a loving dog who just loves to love you.  So I gingerly sat on the sofa trying to work out how to put my shoes on without bending down and Stella thought she'd love me better...

...by jumping on and off and on and off and on and off the sofa, whipping me with the Tail of Death and shouting at me...

Cheers Stella....

Run rabbit, run rabbit...

Sunday I cleaned the bunnies out.  I have to be careful when the bunnies are out and about as Stella the other week got into the run behind me, sniffed the girl bunny and was fine until I realised she was there, shouted and that caused Wendy to run.... Ooooh look mum, a ball that can move by itself!   Luckily no harm was done, well - no harm if you take my nerves out of the equation that is!

So Sunday, doggy inside? Check!  Door shut? Check! Bunnies free-range? Check!  Shed cleaned out and bunnies back in run? Check!  Food in bowl? Check!  Bunnies in shed?  Erm....no.  Epic fail on the rounding up of bunnies....

Much declaration of no more free ranging on the lawn ensued.  Still no bunnies in shed!  And then I realised there was a noise similar to grating carrot...hmmm what could that be?

Cue one German Shepherd rubbing her nose over the chicken wire sniffing like a druggie....

A stitch in time....

Tomorrow Stella Bella Umberella has her stitches out.  There will be the obligatory woowooo song in the waiting room I expect.

Tonight, as she is well behaved and listens to my explanation about needing to be gentle with stitches, she used the footstool as a springboard onto the top of the ironing (mountain) pile on the chair, and then off the other side, back round and jumped up to 'Tig' me.

There's nothing like a well behaved dog....and truly, she really is nothing like a well behaved dog!

Free to good home....

Hell, free to any home!!!  

One 9...hundred year old Demon.  Must be approximately that age due to the huge amount of knowledge possessed, which far surpasses anything I have in my noggin.  Apparently.

Lost the remote control, so volume is set to 'full' only.  Can only be turned down by the unit switching itself off, which it does with less frequency each day.
One lady owner.

Saturday 3 December 2011

Football crazy...

This morning I decided to take Stella for her "gentle stroll around the block" (advised by the vets for post operative recuperation) to collect Demon from her gran's house.  GENTLE is not Stella's middle name!  I'm thinking more......TANK!

While I was getting my coat on there was a frantic rush for her favourite football.  I told her she can't play football yet but it seems that 'No, you can't play it yet you have to be careful' roughly translates to 'Yeh Stella, let's get the ball and hoon around the field like lunatics on dodgy substances!!'  

So there I am, trying to get Stella out of the front door. Success, until she shoulder barged her way back into the house to get her football.  No Stella! resulted in the ball being dropped. Me bending to pick it up resulted in the ball being snatched by said woofer!  And so a battle of the wills commenced....

And that's why bally came for a walk to Grannie's house this morning....

Friday 2 December 2011

Beddybyes time...

Stella got upstairs this morning at 0630.  There are, apparently, TWO 6.30s in one day!!! Who'da thunk it?!  Anyhoo, Demon was woken up by Stella Bella Umberella kissing her and a nano-second from climbing into bed with her.  Today is Friday, which is Demon's night to stay with Grannie Annie.  So note to self....

MAKE SURE THE BABY GATE IS SHUT OR GET WOKEN UP AT SILLY O'CLOCK!!!

(I don't think so...!)

Feeding time at the zoo....

Stella Bella Umberella....lol...has decided she wuvs Philadelphia cheese. Especially on garlic crackers.  I'm guessing I'm going to be gassed later by noxious fumes....  German Shepherd + garlic = not a good atmosphere!

I give in....

So!  The vet says keep her quiet!  No excessive exercise!


How the hell do you keep a dog with a few stitches, that was playing football during labour (11 puppies!!!) from being energetic and jumping OVER sofas etc??

Answers on a postcard. Please.  Pretty please. Give me the answers or the doggy gets her paws gaffer taped to the floor........

All singing all dancing.....

Yesterday was eventful.  As Stella had been manic the day before I decided not to walk her in the morning to give her a rest.  I put her plastic cone collar on ready to go out to work at which point she sat in front of the door and refused to move.  So we did go for a walk after all...

When we got outside  Stella decided she was Scooby Doo and started prancing down the street on her hind legs.  Not good with fresh stitches I thought to myself.  She danced round and round me like I was a maypole, so we turned round and came back very quickly.  But I guess that's the problem when she's wearing a bucket on her head the size of a satellite dish - she was picking up the cartoon channels!!!  And the moral of the story is...if you take your German Shepherd out looking stupid, the payback is a bitch!!!

Last night was her first post-op check up.  Vet practise door headbutted open? Check!  Stockroom investigated? Check! Mum and her seat dragged across the floor to greet another dog? Check!  Start a singsong? Check! Altogether now, the WooWoo song.....goes a little like this....

Woooooo
Stella be quiet.
Wooowoooo
Stella! Shhhhhhhh!
Woo...wooo...woowowoooowooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

But hark! What is this?  Why, it's the cat's chorus!  Large ginger cat in a carrier started the chorus, and Stella was at risk of whiplash from the headtilts.  Then the cat decided it didn't want to sing on it's own anymore.  Stella did what Sheps do best...nudged the carrier to make it start again.  No success.  So, having picked up Bolt on her satellite dish earlier did the power bark.  Biiiiiiiiiiiiiig breath in... and.... WOOF!

Nothing. Nada. Zilch.  Nowt but a very disappointed doggy.... listen up folks, power barks really don't work!

Wednesday 30 November 2011

My blog.......

This is where I whitter away to myself, with the hope that someone, somewhere may enjoy my ramblings and be amused by my animals.  Who quite often don't amuse me with the things they get up to as I'm so busy trying to sort out their mischief!!  There will be photos and all sorts.  Not the sweets though.  They're nasty things sent by the Devil to punish you.  Honest, it's true that is.

I hope one day to be able to monetise my blog.  In English that means makes lot of money so I can sit on my arse in my pj's watching Jezza and not actually going to work. There will be no chronological order to my ramblings, just odd little things that pop into my mind.  There may or may not be a distinct lack of logical order to them too, but beggars can't be choosers :D

Stella Bella Umbrella....

....was speyed on Monday. Today is Wednesday.  For some reason she thinks she can now play football, leap all over the sofa and loon around the living room....with 2 day old stitches holding her together!  I suspect i shall have a few more grey hairs by the morning!!